The phrase ‘You don’t design a house, you design a divorce’ has been attributed to several architectural greats. The source may be uncertain but its central idea that our homes impact our emotional lives and relationships beyond their existence as physical structures is undeniably true. Even if it’s too late to stave off the divorce (and let’s face it, a home makeover might not really mean the difference between a successful and a broken marriage), it is possible to design in a bit of post-marital harmony, particularly if your lives are going to remain entwined through arrangements such as nesting.
Nesting is a relatively new phenomenon where the children of a divorcing couple stay in the family home while the parents rotate in and out. It’s an unusual but growing practice as people attempt to reimagine divorce for the modern age. Outgoing Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and his wife announced they would be practicing a form of nesting when they divorced in 2023, while it is a frequent topic on the artist, author and now guru of female midlife, Miranda July’s Substack group chat. So how might you redesign your home to be more nesting friendly?
Avoiding conflict where possible is key to helping children feel safe and secure during and after divorce. ‘A point of friction that comes up frequently with nesting parents is the stress of being reminded of the other person all the time, even when they’re not there,’ says Beth Behrendt, who wrote Nesting After Divorce: Co-Parenting in the Family Home, and runs a 1,000-person-strong Facebook group for nesting parents. The author and librarian has been nesting with her ex-husband and three sons in their family home in Fort Wayne, Indiana since 2014.
Behrendt says she found it ‘psychologically helpful’ to separate out her and her ex-husband’s lives within the house as much as possible. They were fortunate to have an en-suite bedroom in the basement, which she turned into her personal space in the nest, but even for those without an existing additional bedroom, one can often be made. ‘It’s a status symbol to sleep in a huge room but I’d challenge people on whether they actually want that,’ says architect Amelia Hunter. ‘It is psychologically more comforting to sleep in a small cosy space.’ She says a glazed partition (especially one with noise blocking qualities) can be one way of dividing an existing room, while keeping natural light flowing in – just add a voile curtain for privacy. Adding a mezzanine level to a room can also turn a bedroom into a multi-functional space, potentially freeing up another room. For rooms on the larger side, adding an en-suite bathroom will take this separation and privacy one step further. To prevent all this readjustment feeling too clinical and remind everyone this is still a family home, Anna Barber and James Gavigan of interior design firm House of Kin advise switching up the photos on display in the common areas to focus on the children and their happy memories, rather than shots with either parent – which can be displayed in their respective rooms.
Matt Loader of Scottish architecture practice Loader & Monteith says making what he calls areas of ownership as clearly defined as possible will help avoid ‘friction flashpoints’. ‘I know that in my household, the spot where everyone comes in and kicks off their shoes is always a tip and it’s areas like that that can become sources of frustration’. Anna and James agree. Their solution? ‘Smart storage and organised systems. For example, in an entranceway you could have large lockers for each person’s coats and shoes so that when a parent is out of the house their things are not acting as a constant reminder that they are not there,’ says James. ‘Everyone uses the same system so it’s not like you’re hiding away mummy or daddy’s things every weekend.’
Clever design can also minimise the need for communication between ex-spouses and quell resentment over household chores. Beth and her ex-husband maintain separate fridge-freezers and pantries in their home, while Amelia even suggests separate dishwashers to avoid reawakening ancient battles over plate stacking. James recommends thinking back to the last Airbnb you stayed in when planning things like laundry areas. ‘They’re very practical places so they don’t have to be homely. Everything should be labelled and have a set place, from the detergent to separate laundry baskets for each family member so anyone can see what’s clean or dirty and who it belongs to without being told,’ he says. Labelled organisation trays will also help with tidying away clutter space-efficiently. If this all seems like it is going to take up space you do not have, you might be surprised. ‘There are lots of areas in a property that don’t work hard; under the bed, on top of wardrobes, kitchens and under the stairs can all be put to better use,’ says Matt. And in this age of home working, rather than be stuck up in 'their' room, and especially if a home office has been commandeered for the second parental bedroom, a hidden pull-out desk could be built into storage for one or both parents to use, as seen in one of House of Kin’s previous projects.
Amid all this systematising and organisation, it is important to remember that this is where your children will be living out their childhoods. ‘The objects in our homes and their meanings and associations are extremely powerful reminders of both the good and the bad,’ says Hunter. ‘Perhaps a ritual to process and declutter items might help in honouring memories whilst looking forward to a new future.’
To help your children feel positive about the changes happening in their lives Beth recommends involving them in some of the redecorating. ‘When I set up my basement bedroom I hung up a bunch of their art and had it framed and they got a kick out of helping me decorate because it had just been a boring room before.’ House of Kin’s Anna agrees that it is important to add in some fun to the new household to get children excited about the new set up. ‘A home should be an enjoyable space to inhabit,’ says Matt. ‘Good, clever design unlocks that joy. This is something to be celebrated and protected, especially if you’re going through a separation.’
